This has been a tough week and a half. God has given me many challenges and some I have addressed and some I have denied. I have been so hurt when a friends brother died in his 40's. He had a very short time of being diagnosed with cancer on his lungs and liver. He flew to New York to receive some treatment and then was told he had no longer than a week to live. My friend had not seen his brother for 15 years, he was to fly out at midnight and would be in PA for a week. God for some reason put a hold on the plane and it did not fly. The weather had canceled the flight but I really feel that God canceled it. That evening his brother died. It was tough and to try and figure out why seemed senseless. My friend is angry, hurt and trying to figure it out.
Several weeks ago one of my dearest friends went into the hospital as her doctors request. She had a severe backache. She has had numerous boughts with her platlets and had a battle with leukemia. She is such a strong Christian and I just hurt for her. Again, I am praying for BHAP prayers (Big) God told me he would hold her and he would heal her. There are 3 kinds of healing so I have to trust him. She has developed pneumonia and has a blood clot.
The same day I found out that the hospital had messed up on putting her port in, I went to the Pastors Prayer luncheon. We were to pray over the Pastors for their requests. As I stood over my pastor, God told me to say something and out loud I told him I could not say that. He told me again to say it and again I denied him. I just broke down and cried for a day and a half. I had sinned so much but I could not say what he wanted me to. I think Satan grabbed me and made me cry so hard. That night I woke up at 1:30 and God exited me from earth to view the Universe. He said, "I made this, it is mine, when you are feeling sad, frustrated and overwhelmed back up and take a look at what I have made." That is when I asked about Marsha and was told he would hold her and would heal her. On Sunday when I went to church, I went to the cross and the prayer minister said that Marsha would be healed. I have to trust God.
I had so much guilt from saying no to God, two times, out loud and I meant it. I asked for forgiveness finally and mentioned something brief to my pastor and asked for forgiveness from her. She said it was done.
I hope I never ever am put in a situation that I deny God again. I know now what it feels like to be in true hell for that denial.
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